I Wonder

There are lots of thoughts and questions flying all across my mind right now. I am curious. Curious to know how the future may turn out to be. Curious to know what tomorrow may hold. Curios to know how the next minute is going to be like. Who would ever know what would happen to our friendship after half a year spent together like this?

I have a fear too. I fear that I move on too fast as time elapses. I fear that I leave behind so many important things in life. I fear that I lose the sparks between us as time advances. I fear that when we meet again next year, nothing much could fall out from the lips. I fear that I maybe the one who swift through time and forget about you.

I know. People often commented that a friendship built upon a strong foundation will have a strong bond and hard to break it. As I always believe, as life marches on, we experience different things in life. Many things in life will affect the way we behave, the way we think, the way we perceive things, the way we respond to external stimuli and many other ways.

As I tap my fingers on the computer and on the table, I wonder how our friendship will turn out to be after we embark on our journey after 25 November. I will be working diligently to realise my dream – to graduate with honours in Mathematics. I will be too striving hard as I stepped out the society. I will have to focus on my personal life as each second tackles. I have so many things lying in front of me.  You will be happily enjoying your retirement, idling away your time since you told me you have not got any plans yet. Nevertheless, I do keep my finger cross that I will not forget such a good friend like you.

I’ve thought about it.

Life has to march on. Time eventually will run out no matter how long the time is.

But one thing I am sure. I’ll always strive hard to keep our friendship alive, keep the flame glowing, keep the fireworks bright, keep the sparks forever. And I hope by then, you’ll be one of the huge crowd present during my graduation in the near future. Besides my family members and relatives feeling proud of my achievement in university, I hope by then you’ll be there to see me graduating – for I strongly believe part of my achievement comes from your inspiration, your success and our friendship!

In 2010, I met a special friend – a special friend that changes my life.

Life sails on as usual.

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::LEON HA::

A Once Upon a Time

We used to cheer with joy. We used to yell with high spirit.

We used to play chase with unlimited energy. We used to spend the weekend at the beach.

We used to chat and laugh during lunchtime. We used to do everything with fellow friends.

We used to…

There are indeed lots of childhood memories. And to different people experiencing different kind of childhood, there are infinite kinds of childhood. As time elapses, these images slowly fade away. As much as time has advanced, as much these memories slowly slipped aside from our mind. As the school homework and assignment increases, as the workload and responsibilities in workplace raises, so does the probability of our childhood memories loss themselves in space.

From the simple A, B and C we used to write as homework in Year 1 to 3-4 pages or 500-600 words-long of essays in Year 12, from simple 1, 2 and 3 in Year 1 Mathematics to complicated and brain-teasing Calculus, Algebra and Geometry in Year 12, of so many great differences in life – that is where life takes an ultimate turning point. We traded the childhood memories’ in our brain to make room for knowledge. We all know well enough knowledge is the key to unlock doors of many in the future.

From daily school routine and university life to workplace, responsibilities increase as life marches on. Who would ever thought about comparing Year 1 and college life anymore? The working class would start to reminisce the luxurious life in colleges and universities after venturing into the real world. Who would ever think about the wonderful moment when we play with our neighbour’s kids in the playground? Who have ever thought about taking a walk at the beach, reminiscing the silly yet interesting they did during childhood?

We traded. We traded our own childhood memories for the responsibilities in life as greater responsibilities promises more figures in the back account. And as time elapses, memories shall never be mortal. These days when people work around the clock, pace in and out, who would ever thought that taking a vacation could be a time you can sit down alone and recollect your childhood memories.

Childhood – it’s a once upon a time story.

We never got to relive it anyhow. Nevertheless, simple gestures and actions that come across in our daily life make major impacts on us. It suddenly makes us feel like something has been missing. Part of our past has been forgotten no matter how hard we try to recollect them.

Today, simple gesture you have shown me rekindles the childhood memories in me. It reminds me of how childlike or rather childish we were back in primary school and lower secondary. We showed our friends a cool stuff that they do not have. We held it firmly in our hands and shook it in front of our friends to show it off. The little jealousy that has sparked in our friends’ heart is reflected on their facial expression. Yes. We enjoyed seeing that. Yet, we got over it and the next day, we are friends again. As we grow, the jealousy that sparks in our heart cannot be removed so easily. In fact, they are buried deep down and calling for revenge.

And today, I could not believe that you show me how much I have left out. You show me that there is always still a little kid living in everyone of us. The never-wanna-grow-up part of us is the part that will keep our once-upon-a-time journey alive. Though they do not make up big part of us, the small yet significant part of that is the one that reminds us of so many things in life.

Great lecturers inspire.

And today you inspire me something beyond what is expected to be learned in the classroom.

You gave me a lesson on life. Something more important than anything else.

With all my heart, I dedicated this post to you – Neil McNab.

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::LEON HA::

Emotions

I love emotions. But I want you to get this clear. I am not trying claim myself as emo (mood swing) which many typical teenagers of our age love to claim themselves as. I love emotions for there are parts and parcels of our life and should never be detached from any human soul.

Emotions sometimes may guide someone off the track but without emotions things could seem impossible too.

As we are about to wrap up Term 3, I feel sad and reluctant to let go. Canning College is a great place. A place for us to study. A new place for us to grow. A college where I got to meet people of huge diversity. An educational institute I search for my goal in life. A wonderful new place as I discover more friends. And last but not least, a place where I truly got inspired, especially by great and inspiring lecturers.

I am glad I have chosen to post this. I post this because I feel the urge to do so. I follow as my emotions bring me. I know somehow this time it will not be wrong. I blog this because I believe one day when I look back, I’ll know today is full of surprises and lots of stuffs for me to learn.

I dreamed.

I dreamed that you give me a warm and assuring hug. I hug that gave me confidence and affirmation. And I thank you for giving me the inspiration that I have always been looking for.

I saw you as a photographer.

As everyone snaps the best part yet of their life, I know that sooner or later we will depart and leave again. Every teachers and non-academic staff as we approach give us the warm yet reluctant-to-let-go feeling. Life is all about being together and the next moment you are compelled to bid goodbye. However, there are always the chance of going back to college. Stopping by with a friendly ‘Hi‘ and ‘How are you doing?‘ can rekindle the friendship.

Lastly, I looked up on you.

As a lecturer, as an author and as a friend. Wonderful lessons and interesting typical Australians’ jokes and definitely a knowledgeable lecturer. Dr Neil McNab is one Mathematics lecturer I found truly inspiring. Not only he handled our challenging Maths questions well, one full with passion and his spacious characters. As an author with useful and amazing books for all WACE and WAUFP students. Books that truly lend us a helping hand wherever you are. Books which you have signed and included with personal messages in it that I’ll carry it with me till the end. As a friend, I like you. For being a good listener and a good advisor. Giving the best advice I could ever wanted in the moment that I need the most. Thank you for being a loyal and caring friend. I, LEON HA, look up and shall respect you as my lecturer not for now, not for tomorrow, not for next year but for the rest of my life. Yes, DR NEIL MCNAB, you deserve that and no queries!

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::LEON HA::

Bundles of Nerves 2

Yes! This is the continuation of my post back in 3 years ago. Click here if you wish to read all about it. Freakishly nervous as SPM result is officially out tomorrow! I was completely nervous about it. I really wish to excel in my SPM examination as it is my last public exam back in Malaysia. I really do wish me and all my friends could excel and make Kuching High proud, just like what we did back in 2007!

Forget about the past. The history was our great motivator that pushed us to limit to strive diligently for SPM. But now, our judgment day is less than 24 hours! I have cold feet now. I am really nervous.

Oh well, we have all prepared our very best and gave the very best shot for SPM. Let’s keep our finger cross and may God bless us all that our dreams come true!

I know I have to learn to accept my result tomorrow, just that the feeling is so different. I am in Perth and Kuching seem extremely far from here. Now I miss Kuching again and all my friends!

Anyway…

BEST OF LUCK TO EVERYONE!

::LEON HA::

Dedicated to You

When you are down, torn into pieces and burst into pieces, I am not there for you, for I can’t be there for you. I wanted to be at your side but this cannot be possible. Of course if you find another one, I could just vindicate off any blames. I understand.

Just sadly, I miss you. I am counting to November. I miss you.

::LEON HA::

The Epilogue Closes Well

Can you still remember you were once the jumpy pumpy little kid fooling around in secondary school when you first step in Secondary One? The one that has no worries and just love to make friends, venture into new adventure as we unveil the next chapter of our life.

Jumpy pumpy me was all around in the school cooperative movement throughout the five years, providing faithful and unfailing service to the school. When the school began this year, little did we know that despite all those reluctance, we are soon to bid goodbye again to our school. However, we were still overtaken by the fun and chill with friends, the hyperactive moment in co-curricular. Never ever it flashes our mind that 14 December was so fast, or should I say rapid like thunder.

We went through so many stuff this year especially for Highians. We were the pioneer to organise Kuching High’s Down Memory Lane – our school open day. Never before our seniors did that and all we could do was seek advice around. That was indeed one major challenge we had this year in co-curricular.

People changes. Yup. So friends change sometimes, from time to time. Unpredictable is the word. You might not realise that but for once we could be so close and nice and the next moment something might have prop out. Yet, I know that we are still clenching on the friendship, a bond that we hope it could lasts.

Examinations are definitely our worst nightmare. It plunges us straight to hell when teachers kept on reminding us about SPM or The Malaysia General Certificate of Education. We knew how essential that papers were. Perhaps the jumpy pumpy part of us that still exists within our deep heart core. We were sometimes like ‘Never mind, there is still essential time for revision’. Little did we know that procrastinating was a bad thing, yet we were like daredevils going against time.

5 years is a long time. If you were to ask me to blabber them all out once, I might not be able to do so for so many things coincided and occurred. However, 5 years of High School life has definitely taught me something beyond what is found in our syllabus. High School taught me more about SELF-DISCOVERY, FRIENDS, LIFE and many more. In fact, I guess it is infinity.

For friends, I do hope we can clench onto our friendship and make it lasts forever. We have ventured through hardships and odds together and I sincerely wish that we could carry on with it until the rest of our life. As for rivalry, I have decided to cast it aside, after all we are now all separated.

As for teachers, some dearest teachers who have taught me, I sincerely thank you from my deepest heart. Some of upper secondary teachers who are kind enough to walk pass my life and touch me, they are like Mdm. Lee Wai Fong, Mdm. Ting Yee Ung, Dr. Lau Bee Yian, Mdm. Ting Tieu Wei, Ms. Lim Yee, Mr. Chen Fong Hin, Mr. Eng Bung Chai, Mdm. Hu Sing Min and Ms. Ko Hui Ing. Not forgetting my junior level teachers such as Mdm. Nazrah Maruf, Mdm. Sutinah Mohd. Tahir, Mdm. Tay Moh Teng, Mdm. Chin Chei Vun, Mdm. Norayati Ahmad and lots more. As for some teachers who ain’t so good, once again, also thank you for teaching us, despite you might not be so good. XD

At last, 14 December 2009 marks the end of SPM and also the end of my high school life in Kuching High. Although tears did not fall, little do I know I am reluctant to bid goodbye to the school. However, people has to move on to the future and we cannot always stay putt at where we are. Looking forward to a brighther future is what my school wants all of us to do, and we are doing that.

Anyway, the epilogue closes well with all of us graduating from high school with a proud title called…

EX-HIGHIANS!

ONCE A HIGHIAN, FOREVER A HIGHIAN.

::LEON HA::

Respect

You made decisions without considering the fact that:

* I need to study for my coming forecast examination

* My forecast examination is vital for the application for all scholarships and college and enterships

* I still have some social dinners to attend

* I have scheduled my program for the coming holidays

* You have totally scattered your damn mind that I am sitting for SPM this year!

* What is my real passion in life

* Whether I love the course I am expected to take

I DO NOT NEED A VACATION!!!

I NEED A WEEK OFF TO STUDY!!!

I WANNA DO MATHEMATICS IN UNIVERSITY LEVEL!

If you want me to respect your decision, you ought to respect my decision and choice first! Respect is something you need to earn but not by grabbing it!

Why is it wrong to choose to study at home for my mock?

Why can’t you simply listen to my opinion (which I raised earlier on) and just go ahead to make decisions for me?

Ever consider that I am actually typing this with tears streaming down my cheek?

Just for once, why cant you respect my own decision?

Reason with me why is it irrational to study something I desire?

What are the reasons for stopping my future career just because you love Science?

I Rather Run Away from This Freaking House!

Seriously.

::LEON HA::

Spread the Wings Wide!

Could you please let me spread my wings wide and without boundaries?

Let me fly to my dream world, let me chase after my own dream!

I know I can’t satisfied everyone with the decision I made. But Robert Frost‘s “The Road Not Taken” reminded me of the importance of chasing after my own dream. I need to chase after my own dream. I do not want to be faltered and debilitated mentally just to satisfy my parents.

I have apathy towards Science – don’t ask me why. If you compel me to study either Biology/ Chemistry/ Physics related courses, I am gonna lead a mirthless life and I do not want that.

I guess it’s time to let me spread my wings wide and let me chase after my own dream, pursuing the pleasure I crave, grabbing hold the insouciance after battling, arguing, convincing you guys to let me study Mathematics.

I just want the insouciance and so please do not compel me anymore.

LET MY WINGS SPREAD WIDELY AND WITHOUT BOUNDARIES!

Taken from KC’s blog~

I feel so frustrated everytime we have to discuss my future course.

Please, I’ll just respond you “Mathematics“

I am now adamant and I add another phrase

“Dad and Mum, it’s time to let go and let my wings spread widely, freely and without boundaries..“

::LEON HA::

Depressed

Picture 1

Picture 2

Do the 2 pictures above seem familiar to you? Yea. It’s absolutely familiar to me. Since 2009, it’s just 18 days only for the new year and I usually put on this expression on my face. Hill-high school work, extra co-curricular activities and daily problems oppress me too much!

I feel like bellowing them, “Stop grieving me like hell! I am gonna gone mad if this sustain for a longer time!“

Why does life fill with all kinds of setbacks and stress?

[Question of the day]

Sigh~

I just don’t wish to sustain the depressed mood for anymore longer.

So as the irksome expression on my face, I don’t wish to haul it anymore longer.

::LEON HA::

遗失了，真的得不回 I Lost It, And It’ll Never Come Back

这一次，我真的感到遗失了一件宝物，真的，你懊悔、你号啕大哭、你笑着、你怎么做都好，一旦遗失了它，怎么也得不回。

This time, I really felt that I lost a treasure. Frankly, no matter how regret I felt now, how loud I bawled, how positive I am or whatever action I tried to take, once it’s gone, it’ll never come back.

我还认为今年我往年的历史老师，Mdm. Pauline 还会教我，但是天公不作美，偏偏把她调走了。我真的感到了遗失的痛苦！好好的一个历史老师，怎么那笨蛋校方竟然把她给编排去别班教呢？真的是无理取闹！我讨厌！我简直恨校方恨得入骨！

I was still thinking Mdm. Pauline, my previous History teacher would continue to take my class but who knows that DAMN ASS HOLE school placed her into other class! SHIT this MAMA HOLY KHS! *my first time insulting KHS so badly but I don’t even care*. The HELL BULLSHIT whoever is in charge of allocating the subject teachers, do you know how hurt it is for every action you had taken?! How dare you switch such a good history teacher to other class! Yea I know you have the power. But so what? An old C class = The model is totally oudated lah. I did not see that your purse/wallet is a Louis Vuitton one? Watch? Gosh! My pencil box is worth more than yours! Partial of it worth more than RM 200 ok? YOU ARE JUST WHAT THE F*CK!!!

我错过了，去年她教我的时间，我常旷课、上课不专心，老爱聊天说地、不然就去会周公。我真的很懊悔和懊恼！我亲自送走一件宝物，我把它丢失了，遗失了，犹如大海捞针，再怎么捞也捞不回。我很后悔，但是能怎么办？

I really let something so treasurable gone, gone into the wind like dust. I knew I was so stupid to play traunt, not paying attention, chatting all the way or sleeping which made me feel extremely guilty and regret. I knew I lost it with intention indirectly. I lost it and I could never found it anymore as once it’s gone, it’ll never return. Sigh.

遗失了，真的得不回了。

I lost it, and it’ll never come back…

现在我想要这位老师每天指点我，一周看到她三堂简直是很荒谬。我真的是。把东西给弄丢了。。。

Now I really have to hallucinate this teacher to reprimand me everyday. Seeing her reprimanding everyday in class is a total mirage. Unless the new teacher can camouflage like her, 100% just alike. But that will only occur when I am dreaming away, off into a wonderland. I am really speechless for letting something go… Sigh.

遗失了，真的得不回了。

I lost it, and it’ll never come back…

我 不断地在叹气，时间却能倒退回中四让我再度享受那些美好时刻吗？还是倒退到校方在编排课程表当儿，提醒他们那位特别的历史老师，是要教5S1的？! 我对校方失去了信心，彻底的失去了。我父母亲每年缴付人工税，也不是你们工资的一部分吗？尽管你说我叛逆、我被宠坏，我也不管，因为这是本少爷的部落格， 我爱说什么，就由我高谈阔论！如果你觉得逆耳，那你马上给我消失到无影无踪！

I knew I am continually sighing, on and off but will time travel back to the time when I was in Secondary Four when my teacher can still reprimand me? Ok. I am not so greedy. Why not just revert back to the time when the school admin is rearranging the timetable, I could snap them out of their hallucination and remind that the special teacher – IS ONLY MEANT TO TEACH 5S1′S HISTORY!!! I am truly disappointed with KHS’s admin’s part. Hell Ya! My parents pay part of you guys’ salary. I don’t care if I am bossy. Yea I am spoilt so what? This is my blog = my opinion. F*ck away if you loathe listening to this XD.

::LEON HA::